New Year's Anxiety

Another year has gone by and for 2008, it's good ridance!

New Year's Eve usually finds me in high gear...cleaning, organizing, completing projects, tossing stuff, all in anticipation of a bright, new year. This year the activity level is a little subdued. The house is clean, but the real work is hidden away where it doesn't scream at me everyday. Because I spent so much of this year dealing with grief and depression, my projects just got piled higher and deeper. When they became too overwhelming, I found a way to make them disappear for a while. Now that I am starting to reclaim my life, I think about how long it is going to take me to get things done, I realize that 2009 is going to be a year of completion for me. I am vowing right here and now that I am not taking on anything new until I complete the leftover business of 2008....and there is so much of it.

The urge to tear through my house and throw things out is starting to gnaw at me. I look around and see things that I am just tolerating....a plant that doesn't grow and won't die, a book I bought that bores me, paperwork that I thought I would take care of but is only for someone else's need to know my opinion. I want these things out of my house. I want to stop thinking about things that don't matter to me. I have some serious sorting to do of my mother's things. Right now they are packed away in 50-60 boxes that each require careful consideration before I just toss them out.

Some time in the course of this next year I need to find an income. It appears that my passion for the financial services industry will not be on the menu of ideas to entertain. The market has tanked big time and won't be back anytime soon. So I will have to investigate other opportunities. I have had a Plan B in my back pocket for a while, but I have been reluctant to move in that direction. There may not be a choice about it now.

There is a lot to look forward to in the New Year...namely the inauguration of Barack Obama. I am so impressed with this man's intelligence, innovative ideas, diplomacy, and gracious manners. I believe he is going to be a president that will go down in history for far more than just being the first black president. I am looking forward to following his administration and his leadership. I think he is just exactly what this country needs right now. The world seems to agree.

So, with some fear and trepidation, a little hope and a lot of resolve, I am welcoming 2009.

Swamp Fever

Perhaps it is because I have spent the past 6 years caring, and finally grieving, for my mother that I have traveled down Death's dark tunnel, or maybe it is because I see my birthday looming on this month's calendar, reminding me that my life is past the halfway point, that I have come to seek Life in new and creative ways. I am not the first to wonder what the rest of my life holds as I age. There is always the unexpected, but I am choosing to create the rest of my life now. This is the renewal of a vow to create my life rather than wait for it to just happen.

I spent 12 months wondering if I was going to live after my mother died. Being a caregiver for someone you love steals the life right out of you. I wasn't sure I wanted to live, I wondered if my sole purpose in this life was to care for my mother in her final days. That task being accomplished, what was my life for? I spent way too many hours in a blue recliner asking myself that question while my body ached, my head throbbed, and my energy waned. My physical problems were being compounded by weight gain, kidney stones, bad knees, high blood pressure, and more. My doctor offered anti-depressants. (NO, thank you.) My family waited respectfully.

Finally in August 2008 I made the decision that if I wanted to live, I was going to have to find my own way back to the living. I really wasn't sure what it was going to take, but restoring my health seemed like the place to start. I gave notice to my part-time job that had kept me awake at night for 4 long years. Sleeping seemed important. I read "Skinny Bitch" and went vegan during Labor Day weekend. I began to feel better. I paid a visit to Julie North who recommended "some energy work." Later, I found Fred Payne, who introduced me to Aniel Love. I made an appointment with Aniel for the next day. It was as if she surgically removed 50 pounds of black "stuff" from my being. I felt relief right away. In the following weeks she did more work for me and every time I felt like my body and soul were lighter. It was a turning point. To say Aniel saved my life would not be an exaggeration.

From that point on, it has gotten easier to seek life. I have concluded that "life" is energy....chi.....prana....breath. It is reconnecting to the life force, our life source, that which gives and sustains life. It is the energy that allows our lungs to expand with oxygen and allows the blood to flow through our veins, carrying nutrients, more life and energy, to each and every cell.

Some of those cells woke up in my brain and I realized that eating raw foods wasn't just a good weight loss plan, it created life and energy within me. It fed my body and my soul. It allowed me to find my way back to the Raw Divas for a 30 day Body Enlightenment System. That became another turning point.

I feel like the amoeba who has crawled out of the swamp....there's a whole new world out here! I have decided to record my discoveries as I wander into my new world in search of a graceful garden in which to bask in a warm sun, the smell of basil, rosemary and lavender hanging in the air, flowers lining a stone path, butterflies and bees flitting about. The garden is teaming with life and there is room to grow in this new environment.